Shame

Shame is heavy to carry.

There is so much pain related to it. It’s difficult to talk about and what generates it. If shame isn’t processed in the right way it can cause a lot of damage to the soul, to our character, to our body, to our relationships and to basically everything about our life. To me, it’s like a thief that sucks life and freedom out of us.

In the video I talk about different dysfunctional responses shame produced in me, but there are so many more…

The thing with shame is that it hits our personal value and our dignity (and in some cases our ego, but that’s a different story;)).

Understanding and recognizing the presence of these different elements leads to healing. I’ll try to break down the structures of this tentacular emotion as good as I can :)

Some possible origins and dysfunctions from shame

The 3 main origins or triggers for me were humiliation by others or by poor decisions I’ve made, disobedience toward God and bitterness linked to long term suffering.

Humiliation is hard because it often comes from others and it can hurt bad. We all need a sense of value and a feeling of belonging or acceptance. Humiliation in many cases is a violent form of rejection and devaluation of who we are. Feeling loved, accepted and “like we belong” are needs and produce some of the most empowering feelings we can experience because they allow us in many ways to flourish inside and out. This is why it is SO IMPORTANT to whom we want to belong to and who defines our worth. Those elements will define what will grow inside and around us: either feelings that will produce life in us and in others, or, feelings that will produce death in and around us (destroying those who hurt us, even those who love us most, and ultimately ourselves; self-vendettas, …). Who or what defines my worth? Who has that power over me? Who do I belong to? And where do I belong?

Disobedience for me is knowing what is right but still choosing to persevere in the wrong direction … In this case shame is produced, because of the consequences of my own choices. It is as if lying to myself, when I know deep down inside, that God’s been telling me the truth from the beginning, but I don’t want to listen. In this case, I either don’t want to listen to God, because I want something more than what I’m supposed to do. Or, I decide not to do what I know is right… But in the end, the outcome can hurt. In some way, this is a form of pride, because it’s as if I knew better than my own creator, what is best for me…

And obviously, the pain of shame can produce bitterness and nothing good grows from a place like this; criticism, downgrading others, putting yourself way up there, gossip, aggressiveness, victimization…to mention a few.

Another important factor about shame I didn’t talk about is the tremendous guilt and/or condemnation that often follows. Guilt, if created by our own disobedience but leads to a change of our behavior (repentance), is good. On the contrary, guilt that makes you sick - that creates dysfunctional ritualistic behaviors like obsessive compulsive behaviors, self-hurt or all the other dysfunctional responses - is a terrible accuser, and a horrible burden to bear. Sometimes, the shame and guilt we experience are due to things that were done to us. We bear the responsibility of the traumatic moment. This, my dear reader, is where you need to let trusted people and God come in and help you heal from the pain; Let go of that lying voice that tells you that you are responsible for what happened…

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Let’s return to hiding, self-made righteousness and victimization (these last 2 can also occur through suffering). I would like to highlight some specific elements, that may help understand the bondages and traps they bring along with them. At least, this is how I personally experienced them:

Hiding is a dysfunctional protective response. We hide! With time, it acts like a “safe cage”. This means you feel safe and comfortable away from others, but you can’t live free anymore. This is so legitimate and I totally understand this behavior! But, let’s get out of this “safe cage” and talk about what feeds the need to hide, which are often shame, embarrassment, guilt, condemnation…

Self-made righteousness is vile, because it comes out of a very painful place in our heart and soul. It’s very hard to admit this dysfunction in our lives and it’s literally impossible to be corrected or confronted by others when we “show” this attitude in us. We often feel like we deserve things. This is one of the major symptoms of it: feeling like we “merit” things. It’s an often-hidden fertilizer to self-made righteousness, because we think we’re “braver or more worthy or more legitimate or…” than others.

Victimization is a repulsive and exhausting behavior. I think it acts like a defense mechanism, or the “loud advocate” that is often linked to self-made righteousness. It wants to defend and justify the bad feelings, words and behaviors that we use to try to protect our damaged integrity and not let more pain in. I guess that they both feed each other. The victim attitude is terrified to be confronted to the fact that its feelings, words and behavior are wrong no matter how legitimate they are. Victimization is an unhealed and unprocessed pain that comes from shame. I was embarrassed when I realized my part in many things I tried to cover up through this loud and burdensome advocate… until I was tired, damaged and finally put my guard down in the presence of God.

But … there is HOPE!!

How to heal the soul wounds

• This might sound a bit “religious” but confession is the starting point to our way toward healing. Confess the dysfunctions of shame’s influence. Spit the bitter taste out of your mouth to God and very trustworthy and mature people. Let’s go through the cleansing process =)

• Once I did that, I needed to talk about what caused the shame and the pain that came with it. I had to “revisit”, feel the hurt of some painful things while at the same time, letting God’s love cover the wound like a blanket and let Him Love me extravagantly!

• Cry! Tears are such a delivering and powerful healing tool God gave us! Let’s cry more! It would help clean out so many things.

• Another major element in the healing process is forgiveness. To forgive ourselves and the others. Let’s choose to let go of the offense, and trust God for Justice. He knows best how to do this, and in the best way. Forgiving does not mean forgetting and just excusing the other person, but it means trusting and loving God enough to know that we can let go and trust that God will make all things right in its proper time. Forgiveness is more powerful than we can imagine and its healing powers are underrated.

• Obviously, God’s love in our ugly mess works wonders. For this point I encourage you to go listen to my video that talks about “Love and Trust”. =0)

• And lastly, but probably the most important gift that God gives to heal shame, is His Grace through Jesus-Christ…

I will leave you with this amazing passage from the Bible. Let it produce healing in you. Don’t be afraid of God. He’s not ashamed of you. He loves you. Shame makes you feel naked and dirty and like a failure. We will always try to cover it up with whatever we can. But, when we finally decide to go to God the way we are, He will embrace us and cover us with His grace that is like a royal robe.

In Him our worth and dignity are safe.

Love you all!

Mel

Ephesians 2 v. 4-10 (AMP)

4/ But God, being [so very] rich in mercy, because of His great and wonderful love with which He loved us,

5/ even when we were [spiritually] dead and separated from Him because of our sins, He [God] made us [spiritually] alive together with Christ (for by His Grace—His undeserved favor and mercy—you have been saved from God’s judgment).

6/ And He raised us up together with Him [when we believed], and seated us with Him in the heavenly places, [because we are] in Christ Jesus,

7/ [and God did this] so that in the ages to come He might [clearly] show the immeasurable and unsurpassed riches of His grace in [His] kindness toward us in Christ Jesus [by providing for our redemption].

8/ For it is by Grace [God’s remarkable compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved, gracious] gift of God;

9/ not as a result of [your] works [nor your attempts to keep the Law], so that no one will [be able to] boast or take credit in any way [for his own salvation].

10/ For we are God’s workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].